We’re here today to bring you the annual Uni Watch changing of the
god guard. As you know, Bryan Redemske has just completed his tour of duty and Phil Hecken is beginning his. With that, UW brings you an excerpt of Bryan’s exit interview with new intern bench coach Phil.
PH: Bryan, thanks for all your work. How’s this thing work?
BR: When relevant content is short, you can make fun of most anything. It helps when Carlos Guillen is around, but in a pinch you can go with Miguel Cabrera or pretty much any NBA player.
PH: No, I mean, THIS thing…the “ban” button
BR: OH, that…
PH: I can ban people, right?
BR: Not only can you ban people, you can look up IP addresses and e-mail accounts. And from there, you can find out where they live, how much they make and through which bank they got a car loan.
PH: Frikkin’ sweet. Should I be careful of making fun of people?
BR: For maximum impact, a finding a high schooler is key. First, they’ll almost always look like idiots (I know I did). Second, it totally drives up the page hits. And that’s called “value-added content.”
PH: Does Mr. Lukas like heavy starch, and cream or sugar?
BR: Actually, you’ll find it interesting to know that Paul exists mostly on brisket, pulled pork and Diet Coke. By the way, I schedule my brisket deliveries for Tuesdays.
PH: Is it true you once won a bicycle race with only one tire and no chain?
BR: Totally untrue. I won it without a bike. And I was wearing flip-flops at the time.
PH: What’s this hockey thing I keep hearing aboot?
BR: It’s like soccer, only with sticks and shit.
BR: Yeah, soccer. It’s big in Japan, apparently.
PH: Will the Cubs ever win a World Series?
BR: Yes. Simple law of averages. If the Phillies can win two, while also being the losingest team in sports history, surely one of two teams with 10,000 wins can win another.
PH: Well, sounds like fun. Any last words, before we send this off to the readers?
BR: Yeah, clowns suck at football. Remember that.
And so begins Phil’s reign of
terror tenure as bench coach. Be nice, he still has his training wheels.
Stay gold, pony boy…
— Phil Hecken