Baseball has spent a lot of time over the winter on performance-enhancing drugs — who did them, for how long, and who knew about it? All important concerns, of course. The integrity of the game is paramount, despite spending the last 20 years in a compromised state.
Senator Mitchell needs open an investigation into a different kind of performance-enhancer — namely all the crap Carlos Guillen is wearing. Let’s make a tally, shall we? (Big version here, so you can play along at home.)
Eyewear: Eye-black strips and sunglasses. Just in case the sun takes a seat behind the plate.
Headwear: Yeah, I’m counting the new 5950 — it has performance-enhancing fabrics.
Neckwear: When the final hour approaches, the deity in charge won’t have any trouble finding Carlos.
Elbow-wear: Phiten Titanium sleeves. And you thought the necklaces were dumb.
Wristwear: Those aren’t wristbands, that’s tape. Stretchy tape, to be exact.
Lipwear: The ever-present — and perhaps surgically attached — dip cannot be ignored.
Guillen has had knee problems in the past, too, so I’m pretty sure there’s more titanium down there somewhere — or maybe some carbon fiber. But imagine if the crosses were made of titanium, too. What’s more powerful than titanium Jesus? Scandium Jesus?
Theological questions aside, Guillen’s ensemble kinda makes me long for the days when players tried to get an advantage by merely peeing on their hands (third item from the bottom). — Bryan